Barbara Desmarais is a Parenting and Life Coach that I know through the online social networking community Ryze. I have been impressed by her wisdom and positive influence. Naturally, I was excited when she agreed to an interview for our homeschooling blog.

Heidi:

Barb, on your website, www.theparentingcoach.com, you state that children with positive self-esteem tend to:

• be leaders rather than followers
• recover quickly from set-backs
• make friends easily
• are not afraid to take risks
• understand that mistakes are tools for learning
• have a lot of confidence in themselves
• set their sights high
• do not let people take advantage of them.

These are also the attributes of an entrepreneur. It wasn’t until I visited your site that I realized how much good self-esteem and an entrepreneurial spirit go hand in hand.

What is your top tip for instilling self-esteem in our children?

Barb: My top tip for instilling self-esteem in our children is to convey the very important message: “I believe in you.” We do that in a number of ways. Throughout a child’s life they will try many new things and will struggle at some of them. There’s nothing like having someone at your side who believes in you and who knows you can accomplish whatever you want. You are loved and respected for who are and the love is unconditional. It seems simple but some of us are bound to our own agenda and the dreams WE have for our children, which often aren’t their dreams.

Heidi: What is the biggest stumbling block to self-confidence that our children face today and what can we do about it?

Barb: I think the biggest stumbling block to self-confidence is the messages that are continually thrown at our kids via the media. In order to be successful they have to own certain things, dress a certain way, be a certain color and a certain weight. It becomes our job as parents to role model self-confidence and a confidence that doesn’t depend on what the media dictates. We can share our knowledge around how the media tries to manipulate our thinking. We need to like ourselves for who we are and make sure our children witness our actions that are aligned with self-acceptance and self-love. Children who lack a lot of self-confidence very often have parents who also lack self-confidence.

Heidi: How do we teach our children to be helpful, but not let others take advantage of them?

Barb: The very best way to teach our children to be helpful but not let others take advantage of them it to have clear boundaries ourselves and let them see that we don’t let others take advantage of us. Yes, it’s important to help others and to have a giving spirit but we need to have limits so we’re not giving to others at the expense of ourselves. Poor boundaries are a common problem with many people and in order to teach healthy boundaries to our children we have to have them ourselves. Boundaries protect our spirit and our soul.

Heidi: What is the best advice you can give to parents who feel that all they ever do is nag their children?

Barb: From time to time we have see life from our children’s perspective. Children are as human as the rest of us and no one responds well to nagging. If we feel pushed, our tendancy is to push back. There are some simple and effective techniques that don’t include nagging to get our children to do what we ask. For example we can offer some choices to give them a feeling of power and control. An example of a choice around chores would be something like: “Here are 5 things that need to be done today. Can you pick 2?” or “I see lots of toys that need to be picked up. Do you want to pick up the train or the lego?” Usually if we approach our children in a way we’d like to be approached, we get a much more favorable response.

Heidi: Is “setting your sites high” an attribute that can be taught?

Barb: Yes, I do. Again I think it’s taught by role modeling as well as encouraging our children to set their sites high. That is not to be confused with having such high expectations they feel discouraged. There can be a danger of sending a message that whatever they do, it’s not good enough. If a child feels he/she is never good enough, we get the opposite results of what we’re hoping for. They will often stop trying and do nothing because they know it won’t be good enough. As well, if they see us “settling” they will do the same. Having said that there are children who will always strive to be their best and will always set their sites high no matter how we parent them. They were born that way. There will be others who won’t despite all our best efforts. They too were born that way. Every child though has a gift and it becomes our job to find out what that gift is and support and celebrate it.

Heidi: What advice do you give parents whose children are struggling to make friends?

Barb: Some children are just naturally social and others aren’t. We need to love and accept them for who they are. If on the other hand they want friends and can’t seem to attract them we need to figure out what they’re putting out. Putting it simply if children like who they are, others will like them too. It sometimes takes looking at the whole situation deeply. Self-esteem starts with us so if we like who we are and are good to ourselves we teach the same to our children and others will be drawn to them. Until that happens, we can facilitate the process by doing some reflective listening around some of their challenges as well as create an environment at home where friends are always welcome. Make friends with the parents of children your children would like to spend time with. That isn’t always possible because not everyone is a kindred spirit but we can usually find one or two people who we can share some social time with. Also, once we determine what our children’s interests and strengths are we can sign them up for activities where they are with others who share their interests. For many children one or two friends is enough and others like many friends. That’s who they are.

Heidi: Barb, I know that you offer a 30-complimentary coaching session. Tell me about that.

Barb: A complementary session gives a prospective client a taste of coaching and also a feel of whether or not the two of us will be a good match. It just requires contacting me by either phone (1-888-233-7920 or 604-524-1783) or emailing me to set up an appointment. Parents can contact me by going to

http://www.theparentingcoach.com/contactme.html.Usually I ask the parent what is challenging them right now and offer some support and strategies they can work on right away. There is no obligation to sign on for coaching following the complementary session.

Heidi:

What issues do you work on with families?Barb:

I coach on discipline issues, relationship challenges, self-esteem issues and general family dynamics. All my coaching incorporates the Law of Attraction, which helps to create exactly the family life you want.
Heidi:

Barb, thank you so much for taking the time to do this interview. You have so much to offer that I would love to hear from you again!Barb:

Thank you so much for the interview.